Eve of Destruction

Let's all bum out shall we?

Destruction of what, you might ask?  Why, my fragile little ego, that's what.

Why am I bringing down the mood before we begin?  Because tomorrow morning is the Heroes on Hines Half Marathon.  I am really unprepared.  Seriously unprepared.  Unprepared to a degree I find embarrassing, and quite honestly, a bit worrisome.

This lack of preparedness is very un-me-like. Being a barely-talented and generally unlucky individual,  I normally obsess over my preparedness.  My objective while preparing for most events is to plan for as many possible outcomes as possible, so as to avoid surprises on the big day.  I want to have experienced, at a minimum, maybe just in my own head, every conceivable scenario I might encounter.  First, I research the hell out of the event or activity, reading everything I can get my hands on.  Then, I imagine the scenario how I think it will occur.  Next, I try to predict the possible problems, imagine everything that could possibly go wrong.  Finally, devise hypothetical solutions.  And, when possible, I test those hypotheses repeatedly to see if the situation can be converted into a repeatable formula that I can rely on come the event.  Yep, I know it is insane.

Want some examples?

1. For fantasy football season, I typically begin preparing for my first draft a month in advance by reading every article on the subject on all of the major fantasy football websites - espn, yahoo sports, cbs.sportsline, NFL, etc....  Then, I take the cheat sheet rankings provided by espn, and copy them into an excel spreadsheet.  Next, I rearrange the list, moving players up or down in the rankings based on the cumulative opinions of the so-called experts.  Then, I participate in mock drafts on espn.com.  Drafts, plural.  In 2012, I probably did close to 30 of these.  Do I win?  No, of course not, but I'm prepared.  This year, I added listening to a fantasy football podcast to my prep.  Does any of this help?  No, of course not, it's all luck anyway.

2. Back in 2007, I was asked to emcee my employer's annual conference.  It's kind of a big deal in our nerdy CPA world.  That year, to make it more complicated, the event organizers thought the conference should be in the format of a late night talkshow, including opening the conference with me doing a monologue.  So, for 3 months, I recorded Leno and Letterman every night and watched their monologues.  Studied their monologues.   How they stand.  What they do with their hands.  How they scan the audience with their eyes.  I also watched several stand-up comedy specials from Chris Rock.  Not that I could use any of  Rock's jokes, but I studied how he moves on the stage.  He doesn't stand still.  He constantly moves.  From his entrance, he doesn't just pace from side to side.  He STALKS the stage like a jungle cat.  He OWNS that space. 

(Note:  I was very close to putting my favorite Rock bit here, but there is a wee bit too much N-word.  I may want a political career some day.)

The writers of the conference would have been wise to study the joke writing with the same dedication.  Let's just say that the funniest CPA in a building with 1600 CPAs is still a CPA.

I do this with everything.

I think it may frustrate TheWife when she offers a suggestion to me on how to do something and I tell her I already thought of that and it won't work. "Try it", she says.  I don't need to.  I ran it through the simulator 3 days ago.

Now, this maniacal process doesn't mean I get any of this crap right.  I just want to be sure I perform the best I can when the situation arises.  I want to ensure I am making decisions with the best information I can.

That's why my lack of training is un-me-like and I'm concerned this adventure will end in disappointment.  In the 9 weeks since I signed up for this race, I think I've run 10 times.  I haven't run in two weeks.  And that last time wasn't exactly Olympian-style training.

Last weekend, I had every intention of running an easy 6 or 8 outside.  Saturday, the weather was perfect.  Unfortunately for my running, TheFamily and I were out of town for my nephew's birthday party (it was a lovely time and I ate too much).  On Sunday when we got home, it was raining and generally shitty out, so I opted to stay in.

So, tomorrow at 8am, I'll head out on 13.1 miles of "fun".  It should be 63-68 degrees with high-90's humidity.  Going to be a bit sweaty.  I pledge to you, my faithful readers numbering in the dozens, that I will try my best.

6 years ago, I ran my first half in just under 2 hours.  That was at about the same weight I am now, but I had been running 3 days per week all summer.

5 years ago, I ran my 2nd half,  8 weeks after running my only complete marathon.  I did this with plantar fasciitis and a LOT of advil.  My time for that race was just under 2:20.  I was very surprised how far my conditioning had fallen off in only 8 weeks.

So, let's set a goal of running this in 2:15.   And not getting plantar fasciitis.  Or shin splints.  Or any other affliction of my legs.  While we're at it, let's keep the taint un-chafed.  And the nips bloodless. 

I'll let you  know how it goes.